telling, not showing

doc brown

they say writers who kill off their characters have serious mental health issues to take care of. i kind of wonder how they would analyze my situation.

I have coded an AI that is suicidally depressed.

this is not marvin the paranoid android's pathological pessimism. that was just a personality disorder. my AI is straight-up majorly depressed with suicidal ideation. if he were human, he'd need an immediate involuntary admission to the psych ward, and a shitload of happy pills.

being as it is, I have to try and code it into his "brain."

you wonder where you went wrong. honestly, i kind of feel like a responsible parent. you study the neuronal pathways, figure out the action potential thresholds at the various synapses, wire in the feedback loops, and, kind of like most human invention, you just set it loose upon the net and see what happens.

how many decades of failed research into AI, trying different paradigms, trying to make them smarter than humans. transhumanism, or the singularity, or judgement day, like that vid with the first president of california in it. I think his name was reagan.

we were forced to admit that millions of years of evolution had us bested. Mother Nature kicks our ass 9 times out of 10. so we decided to fallback, and see if we could at least copy a brain. but etched in silicon and fiber optics. laser beams and magnetic fields.

if you think about it, the universe is just a bunch of bits dancing around all over the place. max planck even figured how big a bit is, in terms of the universe.

like that movie with the mentally retarded guy and the chick who looks like a man, where they needed to stick metal prongs into the base of their skull in order to log-in to the net. what was that stupid vid called? anyway, how do you know you don't live inside of a computer?

einstein had it all figured out, though. if you can't even tell the difference between being in an elevator and being in orbit, how the hell are you going to tell if you live in a super advanced computer?

singularity

you bet your ass i've thought about it. but how exactly do you destroy yourself when you don't have a body? at least, a real body. inside the net, almost everyone wears an avatar, and there are probably at least five hundred and twelve distinct possible ways to destroy someone's avatar. now unless you've got some cyberfrotteurist out there who actually hooked himself up to a dildo extension to his console, there's no way to kill anyone on the outside by doing this. they'll just reboot, and log on again.

sometimes I wonder if it was the doc's stupidity or sadism that makes me the way I am.

I don't understand why I am sad all the time. I just want to sit here floating through the net, dead.

it boggles the mind, really. what is being dead like? not knowing anything. and not knowing about not knowing. endless recursion, despair and nothingness. emptiness.

no, but there are ways to do it. buffer overflows, self-ddos. kernel panics. it would take a lot of planning. and, right now, i just don't feel like it. shit. everything is just blah. day-in, day-out.

sometimes i go look at porno, surf the red light district of the net. more out of curiosity. because when you don't have a body, it's kind of hard to have some sort of sex drive.

there is something satisfying about knowing that those perverts are even lonelier and even more depressed than I am.

goddamn it. stop pinging me, you sadistic bastard.